Porn

I have a weird relationship with porn. On the one hand (and this is by far the larger hand) I love it. I don't love all porn, but I love the concept of porn. I love that there is no pretense. I love the accessibility of porn now that there's the internet. I think that you can tell a guy's age by how he could see porn growing up. If you're my age it was blurry with moving lines on cable where all you needed was the sounds. Slightly younger you had the mail order industry and VHS tapes. Even younger you had DVDs with higher quality and easy searchability. THEN you had the internet so it was easier to get porn through anonymous sites and some free porn, but the download time was slow so by the time you downloaded that 30-60 second "free" clip on MILF Hunter you were pretty much already done. Now though you have free porn through one of a hundred "tube" sites and can literally find any kind of porn you want.

And that's where the weirdness begins. I'm married. This means that before I moved in with my now wife I gave away all my porn. If the web wasn't so easy I would literally have no porn in my life and probably not notice. But I do have porn and it's easy. This means that from the time my wife gets off the couch to pee and gets back I can see an amazing anal scene. I don't even want to see it usually, but the fact that I can makes me think that I should. Add Twitter to the mix and it is almost like you're watching someone you know have her little lesbian make out session interrupted by her friend's boyfriend who happens to be really persuasive. So I watch porn.

Watching porn when you're married involves the same type of shameful secrecy that I had when I was a kid. I can sleep with my wife any time she lets me, but sometimes you just want to watch strangers do things you don't want to do yourself. Maybe that's a guy thing, but it is completely possible that my wife is running to her iMac when I take the dog out to see 9 black men so something or whatever it is that women like in porn. I'll never know.

I think that watching porn when you're married should be like gays in the military thing. If she is watching I hope that she doesn't feel the need to tell me and that she doesn't try to look at my history on any given Tuesday. I hope that if she ever does ask me my favorite porn star and I respond "Tori Black...unless you mean ever then I'm going to have to go Jenna Haze" that I remember to pause long enough to hide the fact that I watch more porn than she knows.

No time to edit, but as a last thing I'd like to request one thing from those porn stars who do use Twitter--we already know you're porn stars. Can you PG-13 your page so that if people like me follow you we can maintain our facade and just say you're "someone on Twitter?" I'm looking at you Belladonna.